After having quite a pleasant relationship with the software since I installed it 5 years ago I have now been forced to face facts. I hate steam. I hate it a lot. I want to rip it apart from my teeth. I would happy write  the software  to floppy disks for the privalage of the visceral pleasure.
For the last 5 years Steam has been rather like the metaphorical neighbour next door. We don’t really know each other, but he seems nice enough and we’ve had tea together. He’s even given me a few things cheap when he no longer needs one. The metaphorical borrowed lawnmower. But then we both joined the same tennis club for the summer and decided to avoid meeting strangers by playing against each other. And then I discovered I hate him so much I want to punch him with a rivet gun until he is dead.

To explain the metaphor, I downloaded the odd piece of ultra cheap software from time to time (Audiosurf for 1.99? Sign me up!) but it wasn’t until I got Empire Total War I was forced to face the horrible truth of my hatred.

First: When installing it tries to make you download the whole 15GB game. That alone will kick the crap out of most monthly download limits, let alone the sheer amount of time it would take to download the game I have a hard copy of in my hands. But I am a smart man, I figured out how to make it install off the disk pretty swiftly and sat back with a book for a much faster install, about half an hour. I even listened to the football game. Things were going well.

Then it decided that I couldn’t play my game. It said I had to download 2GB of updates first. Which will take longer than installing the entire game off the disk. And this isn’t just me complaining about the speed of my internet. Some people can pull down 2GB in ten minutes, great for them. But even for them the audacity to say “No, you can’t play this.” like some mad bureaucrat is beyond belief! A fully installed game. That I can’t play. Because Steam says so.

I would be happy to download it in the background while I am playing the unpatched version. This was something I was free to do with Rome Total War. Even Medieval 2 Total War, just a few years ago. I could start patches downloading through Firefox while I pootled around having fun on the unpatched game. But no. That’s not allowed. I am not allowed to have fun while playing my legally purchased game. Instead of rewarding me for not giving in to the mass culture of piracy they stamp on my fingers.

There are lots of things I like about steam. I love their store, with old games I never got to play or old favourites long forgotten at absurdly low prices. Their community is a great experience, only rivalled by Xbox live or World of Warcraft. Even just as an authentification method, to say that “Yes, this account legally purchased this game” is fine. I can hack that, I used to like that. I liked not having to deal with securom “I am going to punch you in the crotch now, valued customer.” But being told how to play my games drives me bananas. It makes me angrier than I thought I could be at a piece of software.

I will continue to use it. I have to use it. But I will secretly plot the murder of my metaphorical neighbour, and when he doesn’t expect it WHAM! in the back of the head with a hammer.

(An alternate title for this post was ‘computer says no’)