Over the last three years Jayden and Crusader has become part of how I define my life. I am the guy who draws Jayden and Crusader. My screen name on instant messenger services is invariably “The Writer” so important is it to my self-worth that I write things, be they comics, novels or comedic sketches.

That is why the current lack of Jayden and Crusader is just as annoying to ME as it is to you.*

And not just the last few weeks the entire year, pretty much from this point last year, has been one of the worst in Jayden and Crusader’s history. Not the storyline, I love that and consider it some of my best work, but I have barely written and drawn twenty comics. That’s abysmal. That’s less than one a fortnight. I am sorry.

The truth is, I don’t know why, I simply do not have the energy to make the comic. I have the story outlined, I have the next few written I have the next one sketched out but I can’t seem to summon the energy to pick up my stylus and work on it. This has happened before and in fact often happens in August, so much so I commented on it last year. It was much easier to ignore in the past when it wasn’t as important to me. When I didn’t draw any comics in October 2007 I didn’t beat myself up about it. It didn’t matter to me, it didn’t define who I was as a person. Even last November I assumed it was just a stumbling block. But this has been going on so long now I can’t keep fooling myself.

Something is wrong in Jayden and Crusader land and I don’t know what it is.

Some people define writers block as an inability to write, that’s not entirely true. I call that ‘Writer’s stuck’ when the thoughts are inside but can’t seem to get out. You get the same with artists. True writer’s block is an emptiness. It’s a hole where there should be drive and energy and thought and a myriad of creative colour. Write now I am suffering from true writers block.

There’s just nothing up here straining to escape to the page. I don’t understand how, or why, the storyline is there, the jokes are there, the important character pieces and awesome one liners are there but some how there is an emptiness of drive.

Jayden and Crusader is not going on hiatus. Jayden and Crusader has never gone on true hiatus and I never want it to. One day perhaps it will end when there are no more stories for Jayden and Crusader to tell. That isn’t now. Right now I am just…. lost. Stuck. Empty.

It’s as if a divine force reached into my head and plucked the energy out of me. I cannot explain it.

I don’t have any answers, I don’t know when you’ll see a new J&C page. Maybe it’ll be next Monday, maybe it’ll be years from now. (I doubt the latter). Right now I don’t have the drive to do anything, I struggle even to sketch. I am not writing, I am not doing anything of any creative output.

As ‘The Writer’ this pisses me off.

I’m sorry.

I don’t want this to sound like I am trying to explain why it’s ending, I want it to explain my absence. I care, I care so much but right now I just… I just can’t do it.

(* possibly more)

After having quite a pleasant relationship with the software since I installed it 5 years ago I have now been forced to face facts. I hate steam. I hate it a lot. I want to rip it apart from my teeth. I would happy write  the software  to floppy disks for the privalage of the visceral pleasure.
For the last 5 years Steam has been rather like the metaphorical neighbour next door. We don’t really know each other, but he seems nice enough and we’ve had tea together. He’s even given me a few things cheap when he no longer needs one. The metaphorical borrowed lawnmower. But then we both joined the same tennis club for the summer and decided to avoid meeting strangers by playing against each other. And then I discovered I hate him so much I want to punch him with a rivet gun until he is dead.

To explain the metaphor, I downloaded the odd piece of ultra cheap software from time to time (Audiosurf for 1.99? Sign me up!) but it wasn’t until I got Empire Total War I was forced to face the horrible truth of my hatred.

First: When installing it tries to make you download the whole 15GB game. That alone will kick the crap out of most monthly download limits, let alone the sheer amount of time it would take to download the game I have a hard copy of in my hands. But I am a smart man, I figured out how to make it install off the disk pretty swiftly and sat back with a book for a much faster install, about half an hour. I even listened to the football game. Things were going well.

Then it decided that I couldn’t play my game. It said I had to download 2GB of updates first. Which will take longer than installing the entire game off the disk. And this isn’t just me complaining about the speed of my internet. Some people can pull down 2GB in ten minutes, great for them. But even for them the audacity to say “No, you can’t play this.” like some mad bureaucrat is beyond belief! A fully installed game. That I can’t play. Because Steam says so.

I would be happy to download it in the background while I am playing the unpatched version. This was something I was free to do with Rome Total War. Even Medieval 2 Total War, just a few years ago. I could start patches downloading through Firefox while I pootled around having fun on the unpatched game. But no. That’s not allowed. I am not allowed to have fun while playing my legally purchased game. Instead of rewarding me for not giving in to the mass culture of piracy they stamp on my fingers.

There are lots of things I like about steam. I love their store, with old games I never got to play or old favourites long forgotten at absurdly low prices. Their community is a great experience, only rivalled by Xbox live or World of Warcraft. Even just as an authentification method, to say that “Yes, this account legally purchased this game” is fine. I can hack that, I used to like that. I liked not having to deal with securom “I am going to punch you in the crotch now, valued customer.” But being told how to play my games drives me bananas. It makes me angrier than I thought I could be at a piece of software.

I will continue to use it. I have to use it. But I will secretly plot the murder of my metaphorical neighbour, and when he doesn’t expect it WHAM! in the back of the head with a hammer.

(An alternate title for this post was ‘computer says no’)

We’ve just deployed a new banner. So you can see, here’s what it used to be:

How times change!
(And it’s thinner! Webmaster happy )

Click on the banner if you want to see it full size

Not a good way to start the year, but I will be moving back to Bangor tomorrow and I packed away all my things before remembering I was supposed to do a comic. Whoops. I will try to get one to you tomorrow evening, but it might end up as Tuesday.

Have a good tomorrow

“I caught bird flu and swine flu at the same time and now I can make pigs fly”

I want to see how far it gets. I made it up over supper

Hello all, Kirrus, the webmaster here

You may have noticed the lack of an update this week. Our esteemed artist is busy, with fun things like 3000 word essays, and lectures.

He is trying to build a buffer, so that these delays are more infrequent, but remember, creating a comic isn’t easy. I couldn’t do it, for example, so I just try to help the artist publish it, so that he doesn’t have to worry about the fun stuff about this site. Such as servers, networks, and statistics

So, please don’t post ranty comments. They won’t make a comic appear any faster, and they annoy me. Like people talking in the theatre. And you don’t want me annoyed. I can ban you

(Ok, so not as dramatic as “I can kill you with my brain”, but unfortunately,  I can’t do that. First person to comment with the reference gets a [virtual] cookie!)

When working alone I tend to chatter to myself. (Which by the way is completely normal, talking to yourself isn’t insanity, insanity is talking to people no-one else can see) Here is an example I thought was quite funny while working on a page of J&C.

“Damn, I need to turn this solid line into two lines with a hollow middle”
“Hmm… Got it! Select it, convert to path, stroke at a low diameter!”
“You sir, are a genius!”
“Well… not a genius, I’m just extremely good. At everything.”
“Well… not everything… I mean, you’re not good at *cough*”
“Ah yes, *cough*, which we’re still keeping under our hats”
“Well… not me, I don’t have a hat.”
“I knew I couldn’t trust you”

Comic will be up today (Monday 28th). But it will also be late. I might out up a black and white version before I put up a coloured, depending on how it goes.

Sorry. American readers may still be able to check the comic before school/college/work, but for most people it’ll be after you guys all get back from those things.

It’s a pretty good one, and introduces a character I’ve had on the backburner for about 2 years

The old girl is beginning to well and truly fall apart and I’m having trouble with photoshop so todays comic will be delayed.

I am saying that a lot at the moment, it is not good.

Turns out that comic punchlines that seem funny at 2 in the morning AREN’T funny when you wake up. This comic will need a liuttle retooling and then it’ll be ready.

Gimme a couple of hours.